Alright, let’s talk about something most women don’t bring up over lunch but almost all of us feel: what happens when stress, trauma, and the relentless pressure to be “perfect” sneak into your bedroom and quietly dim your desire.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why don’t I feel like myself anymore?” or “Why is my body not responding even when I want it to?” — you’re not broken. You’re human. And your body might just be doing exactly what it’s designed to do.
Your Body’s Stress Code
Your nervous system is like the ultimate bodyguard. When it senses stress — whether it’s a toxic boss, a rocky relationship, caregiving overload, or years of stored emotional pain — it flips into survival mode. In this state, your body reroutes energy away from things it sees as “non-essential” (like pleasure) toward things that might keep you alive.
It’s biology, not betrayal.
The trouble is, our culture often tells us low desire means there’s something wrong with us. Cue the “just relax,” “have a glass of wine,” or “try harder” advice. But stress, trauma, and exhaustion aren’t things you can just willpower your way out of — they live in your body, in your muscles, in your breath.
The Myths That Keep Us Disconnected
Even if your stress load lightens, old cultural messages about sex can keep you stuck. Most of us were taught — directly or indirectly — that:
“Good” women are always available, but never too interested.
Penetration is the “real” sex, even though most vulva-owners need other kinds of touch to feel aroused.
Desire should just appear out of nowhere, like in a rom-com.
These myths leave us feeling like failures when our actual human biology doesn’t match the script.
Why Trauma Matters (Even the Subtle Kind)
When I say “trauma,” you might picture big, obvious events — and yes, those matter. But smaller, repeated experiences (body shame, sexual pressure, medical dismissal) can have a cumulative effect too. They teach your nervous system that vulnerability isn’t safe. And if your body doesn’t feel safe, pleasure won’t feel accessible.
The Way Back Isn’t Forcing — It’s Listening
Here’s the good news: your body can relearn safety. And when it does, desire often follows naturally. This is where somatic tools — practices that work through the body, not just the mind — make all the difference.
Try this:
- Breathwork for Safety – Before intimacy, take two minutes to breathe slowly into your belly. Inhale for 4, exhale for 6. This tells your nervous system it’s safe to soften.
- Non-Goal Touch – Explore touch without aiming for sex or orgasm. Think of it as sensory playtime — skin-to-skin, massages, hair stroking. No pressure to “perform.”
- Gentle Movement – Slow yoga stretches or hip circles can release pelvic tension and invite blood flow back into areas tied to arousal.
- Rewriting the Script – Swap “I have low libido” for “My body is asking for rest, safety, and play.” Language matters — it changes how we treat ourselves.
Compassion Over Quick Fixes
The real shift happens when we stop seeing sexual disconnection as a flaw and start seeing it as an intelligent response to overload. You don’t need to be “fixed.” You need space to come home to yourself.
So next time you feel that spark is missing, don’t ask, “What’s wrong with me?”
Ask, “What’s my body trying to tell me?”
And if you want a science-backed, body-based roadmap for exactly how to do that, my book Awaken Your Body, Awaken Your Desire walks you step-by-step through the practices I use with my clients to help them reclaim safety, pleasure, and self-connection — without pressure or shame.
Grab your copy here: Awaken Your Body, Awaken Your Desire on Amazon
Because you’re not broken. You’re just carrying too much — and your body knows it.
About the Author:
Dr. Danielle Armour is a clinical sexologist, licensed psychotherapist, and somatic educator who specializes in women’s sexual wellness, trauma-informed care, and nervous system healing. She is the author of Awaken Your Body, Awaken Your Desire: Using Science to Heal Your Stress & Find Your Sexual Vitality, a compassionate and body-based guide for reconnecting with desire. When she’s not helping women reclaim pleasure, she’s mapping out her next immersive retreat—or breaking a sweat to keep her own nervous system in balance. Connect with her on Instagram @drdaniellearmour.
